(Note: I wrote this as a Christmas joke for some London colleagues back in 2005 or ‘06, and then forgot all about it. I recently stumbled upon it and have decided to let it once again see the light of day. It’s a bit UK-centric, and certainly dated at parts, but what the heck. Merry Christmas, folks.)
Drinks With The Fat Man:
Seamus Heffernan interviews the ultimate seasonal worker
In this exclusive, Santa Claus opens up about materialism, Rudolph, unionised elf labour, Mrs Claus, and, of course, fulfilling the dreams of millions of children every 24 December.
Contributing editor Seamus Heffernan caught up with Mr Kringle over pints recently at a north London watering hole. The following is an edited transcript of their conversation.
Seamus Heffernan: Well, first, thanks for agreeing to do this. I mean, you must be pretty busy-
Santa Claus: Yeah, no problem. Were these the best seats we could get?
Heffernan: Sorry, I didn’t realise you would have a preference. We can move over there.
Claus: Where? There? Next to the kitchen? Too busy.
Heffernan: Well, the table there next to the jukebox is free.
Claus: Yeah, great, so every half-drunk mouth-breather with a fistful of change and a hankering for some Buckcherry can bump into us? No thanks.